Thoughts upon Thoughts

Okay, so today my crazy thoughts and anxiety got the better of me. I have an hour commute on the way home from work each day. It gives me alot of time to think and ponder about life and its blessings and challenges. I'm not sure how this thought even surfaced, but when it did...it hit me kinda hard.

For those of you who know me, you are aware of the overwhelming amount of guilt I used to(and sometimes still do), feel when Joseph was born. I tortured myself wondering what I did wrong. Is it something I could have prevented? What did I do differently this time that I didn't do with my girls? Is my body broken? Could I have changed anything? Is it my fault? I don't know that there is anything worse than feeling helpless as a mother when you child is hurting. Seeing the countless tests, needles, and surgeries was almost more than I could take. But above all that, there was one thing that got me worse than anything else. And that was leaving my baby behind every night for 2 months.

When I was driving home, the thought took over me like a dark cloud. All I could think of was my new born son, laying in the hospital....alone. Even now the thought brings tears to my eyes. I hated the hospital staff for not having a better plan or accommodations for mothers with sick children. Yet I was so grateful for the near 60 nurses who cared for him 24 hours a day. Having 2 other children at home made it impossible for us to stay there around the clock. I wanted to live at the hospital until he could come home. I literally cried myself to sleep for 2 months straight. It was all I could do, to push the thoughts from my mind. He was well cared for and never left all alone...but he didn't have his mommy. And that KILLED me.

The only and I mean ONLY piece of comfort I had was when he was just 3 days old and my dad gave him a blessing. The blessing mentioned that Heavenly Father was aware of Joseph and wanted him to know that he would never be alone. He was sent here with 2 spirits to comfort and protect him. What a beautiful thought. It could never fully take away the pain and torment I felt each time I had to say good bye and drive home each night empty handed....but it was still a comfort.

But as I drove home, I kept thinking over and over and over..."He was all alone in there. Wondering where his mommy was. And wondering when I would come back." I don't know why I torture myself that way or why the thoughts even take over my head. But today they did. I of course got past it..and reminded myself I did the best I could. I know Joseph will never know about or remember those 2 months. But for me it seemed like an eternity and will never be forgotten. They say you have to feel pain before you can feel happiness. I have felt both. Maybe one day I will have a better understanding of "Why". But for now, I just push forward and don't look back. I take comfort in the fact that after 2 months Joseph did come home. I have been fortunate to be with him each time another surgery took place...and I didn't have to leave without him. I suppose I am stronger for it...but I would give anything to have those 2 months back.

Anyway, Just thought I would put into writing the day I had. Its a sad one no doubt...but I came out on the other side. I came home, picked up my little boy and gave him a big hug and kiss from his mommy.