A Sad but prepared for Day....

So today I decided to call Joseph's neurosurgeon because I felt like his soft spot was fuller/harder than normal. If I was right...that would mean he wasn't absorbing his fluid and would need the shunt. I prayed incredibly hard for my little man not to get bad news. Unfortunately Heavenly Father has other plans for him. The doctor told me "Good catch Mom, he is fuller and does need the shunt. Had you waited until his appointment next week... you would have had a very uncomfortable and cranky little boy on your hands." I am deeply saddened that my little guy has yet another surgery to endure. However, this is what is best. With this shunt I will not constantly be worried about excess fluid around his brain. Once healed it will also make him more comfortable too being he will not feel anymore pressure from the fluid. I wanted so badly for him to not need to see the inside of a hospital...but again...it was not Heavenly Fathers plan. He is a fighter and he will endure. The other positive is that I am able to stay with him 24 hours a day. He will not be left alone and I don't have to say goodbye this time. The surgery will be Monday morning at 9 am. I'm asking for your prayers so he will have a fast recovery without any complications.

The next item of business is my Job. I was scheduled to go back on Aug 4th...the day of his surgery. I called my boss to inform him it would be later in the week before my return. His reply was that based on business need...termination of employment may present itself. Not because of performance...but a lack of attendance. They are fully aware of my situation but at the end of the day..they are a business. I need this job financially but even more so for Joseph's insurance. My boss seems to think the extra couple days shouldn't make a difference but he wanted me to be aware of the possibility. I'm telling you, when it rains it pours. Keep us in your thoughts please. It's greatly appreciated.

Beginning of the Last week.....

So today starts the last week I have off from work. When I go back it will be after being off for 3 months. WOW. It was nice but incredibly full of every emotion possible. I am ready to go back to see everyone, but by Wednesday I will want another 3 months off. haha. I am hoping I can find a way to work from home or at least go part time. Joseph needs me...but we need money. Is there a happy medium anywhere? I don't know how all this work stuff is going to go anyway. Even though Joseph is home, he still has Physical therapy once a week and Speech (feeding) therapy 2 times a week. If Joe cant take him, then I have to take off work. I don't know how long USAA will deal with it. But, in the famous words of Scarlet O'Hara from Gone with the Wind..." I can't think about that now, I will think about it tomorrow."

On a different note, I finally got my girls room decorated. It looks great!! The loved it. We did a Disney princess theme complete with 3 different princess pictures that are 4 feet tall and a huge 5 ft castle. We also hung beautiful nylon butterflies from the ceiling. I bought new princess bedding to match. It was really fun to see their reactions. I will post a picture. And now for a nice relaxing (hopefully) evening until little Joseph decides it's bed time. :)

A spiritual Sunday??

I just got back from church. Oh.....my.....gosh. I was looking forward to today because I was being released from my calling as a Sunbeam teacher. Now, typically I love the primary callings but this one was just shy of a nightmare. These kids are completely wild and crazy. I felt bad for the short notice of being released so I decided to still teach my class one last time. BIG mistake. See, I asked to be released for the first time ever in my life. The stress of having Joseph is still very much apparent and I literally just couldn't handle it. These kids today would not listen to ANYTHING I said. Not to mention during the 1st hour the "singing time" teacher passed out candy. YES...CANDY to a bunch of little kids who still had an hour to go. They were bouncing off the walls, screaming, saying No, fighting and even spitting! Usually I have a helper in the room, no such luck today. I ended up with 4 boys and 1 girl. Even the girl was acting nuts. I didn't have a lesson prepared because I wasn't supposed to be teaching, which made things worse. I was basically talking about everything under the sun. FINALLY the hour ended and it was time to head back into the Primary room. MORE ADULTS! When it was all over I handed off my lesson book and said " I will not be available next week." Now I just want to be at home and relax. My stress level is off the charts. lol. All I can say at this point is, GOOD LUCK to my replacement!

Relaxation and Friends...

Today we got a chance to just sit back and relax. No doctors appointments at all until next week. It was great to wake up at 9:30 this morning. All 3 kids decided to sleep late. I needed that. We all kinda sat around in our P.J.'s until my wonderful friend Heather called me. She has not yet seen Joseph and was very anxious to meet him. She has been craving holding him since he was literally conceived. ha ha. I love being around Heather. She is so much fun. She and I are like twins some how separated in the Pre existence. BUT..we found each other. Our kids are even to much alike. The visit went really well. Heather cuddled Joseph and felt his sweet spirit. The 3 girls just laughed and played the entire time. The always look forward to playing with each other. After they left we started to clean the girls room a bit. WHAT A MESS! Now, the kids are quietly watching their night time shows on the couch. Nothing like a day filled with relaxation and friends!

Doctors upon Doctors...

So today Joseph had 3 appointments. Poor little guy. First up was his follow up with the surgeon who inserted his G-tube. All went well. He said he will fit him next week for the "button" which will allow us to bathe him submerged in water. It also wont have the 6 inch tubing hanging from his tummy. Over all...a much better experience for everyone. Next was Speech Therapy. They work with him on bottle feeding. He did GREAT. I now have the okay to feed him 20 CC's of formula twice a day. Eventually we will work up to his full feedings of 2 ounces (60 CC's). And last was Physical Therapy. They just do some stretching with his arms and legs, tummy time, and just over all stimulating him. He tolerated that well. He starts to get annoyed with them after the first 30 minutes. Who can blame him? In total I was gone to appointments from 1 pm until 5 pm. It was a long day, but worth it for my little man.

Today he weighed 8 lbs 8 oz. He has now officially doubled his birth weight! He was born weighing 4lbs 7 oz. He is even starting to look a little chunky! Nothing major by any means, but you can see a little pudge in his cheeks. He is still in Newborn diapers but steadily growing into them. At 2 1/2 months he has come such a long way. He has made great strides and shows us every day he is a true fighter. He knows what he wants and works very hard for it. I am enjoying every moment with him. I have even graduated into sleeping without his night light. I have a bad habit of leaving it on so that at any point during the night I can look over and see him sleeping. I feel comfortable now with him sleeping in the dark. YAY for us! Anyway, that's about all for today. More updates and comments to come.

Joseph's Delivery Story

It was on Friday, May 2nd, 2008. It started off as one of those "TGIF" days. I started my work day at 8:00 am. I work for USAA in our Credit Card area so its not a stress filled job. At about 9:00 am I needed to use the restroom. Nothing so abnormal about that being I was 8 months pregnant. While walking the short distance to the restroom I felt a small gush of fluid. At first I began thinking, "Wow, I really have to go and cant keep it in". After using the restroom while walking back to my desk I felt a 2nd and much larger gush of fluid. I walked back to my seat and just waited to see if it was my water breaking. At about 10:00am I felt the urge to use the restroom again. As I was walking back to the restroom I felt another gush. I knew something wasn't right. I went to see the company nurse. Not being incredibly skilled in Labor and delivery they suggested I leave and see my doctor. This was in my plans anyway, so I called and made an appointment. They told me to come in at 1:30 pm. I left work right afterwards at about 11:00 am. I went home to change my clothes and to have Joe drive me. We took Hailey and Megan to my mom just in case.

We arrived at about 12:45 to the doctors office. They called me back pretty quickly. My regular doctor was not there so I saw one of her partners. He performed an exam and said he could see alot of fluid but was unsure if it was amniotic fluid or just vaginal secretions. He collected a sample and asked a nurse to check it. He also said he wanted to get an Ultrasound to see the amniotic fluid levels. During the Ultrasound the doctor kept making sounds like "Hmmm....oh...mmmm" and it worried me. He then said " Well, I'm going to consider you ruptured and send you to labor and delivery. I can only find 1 good sized pocket of fluid which means you are leaking it". I was terrified. I had been crying most of the appointment but when he said those words...I lost it. He kept telling me everything would be fine. I was 36 weeks pregnant and days away from being considered TERM at 37 weeks. He told me to go straight to the hospital. I called my mom and told her what was going on. She was excited and told me not to worry, everything would be fine. Of course she would say that..I'm her baby...having a baby and she wants everything to be perfect. I kept saying to her "Its not okay, I can tell something is not right". She tried her best to comfort me and told me in a few hours I would be holding my first son. I replied with " If I have him in a few hours, I will be looking at him with a bunch of cords and tubes attached to him." I just had a feeling....and it was not a good one.

We arrived at Northeast Baptist Hospital around 2:45 pm. We signed in and the nurses did their best to console me. I could not stop crying. I was terrified for my baby. Joe was making the necessary phone calls to work and family while I was changing into my hospital gown. A team of nurses entered the room. My nurse named Nikki and her 3 interns. They were excited to share this experience with me. They tried their best to be professional and cheer me up. While getting my IV set up, Nikki asked me when was the last time I felt the baby move. My heart sank...I couldn't tell her for sure. I could not remember feeling him that morning. I kept thinking surely I have felt him move...he always moves. I said " I honestly cant tell you that I have felt him this morning. I think I have...but I cant tell you for sure". She then told me he seemed to be a little sleepy and they wanted him to move around a little. They changed my position a few times and even did an internal "head rubbing" to stimulate him. It didn't work. They decided to call my doctor to have her evaluate the situation. When she walked in she gave a sweet smile and said she would take good care of us. I believed her but I was still scared. After looking at the "flat strip" or fetal movement tracker Dr. Chavana became a little concerned. Then I heard the dreaded words..."Lets get her into the OR. I want to do a C-Section STAT." My heart fell directly into my stomach..."STAT"...that is something only used on the TV show ER in extreme situations. I panicked. I began crying even more. Joe tried his best to comfort me, but I was beyond comforting at that point. They all kept telling me it was only a precaution. They just wanted to get him out and into the world. I could see the concerned look in all of their eyes. Something was not right...

Right about that time Heather, Mike and Nicole showed up. They tried to be happy but they could tell I was scared. They were informed I was being taken to OR for the C-section. My brother in law Mike agreed to help Joe give me a quick blessing before it all happened. The nurse stressed the importance of time and was rushing them to finish. As soon as the words "AMEN" were said they ran me down the hallway and yes, they were literally running. I was wheeled into a very large, bright and cold room. There were several nurses and doctors running around. Joe was not with me because they were dressing him into his sterile attire. I was nearly hyperventilating. I was shaking partly due to fear but mostly because the room was freezing. They sat me up as quickly as possible and started my epidural. I kept asking for Joe. They told me he was coming in very soon. I laid there shaking as they pulled up the big blue sheet preventing me from seeing the surgery. The intern kept wiping my tears and saying "Its okay, Its okay". Finally I saw Joe. He looked so scared. They pinched me a few times on my stomach to make sure the medicine had kicked in and then they started cutting. The doctor behind me calmly told me what to expect and a step by step guide to what was going on. I then heard them say "Okay, you will feel pressure and then the baby is coming out" I felt a big push just below my sternum and then he was here. He didn't cry. I heard Dr. Chavana say "He is here Heidi. He is a little small but they are taking him over to clean him off and check him out. You did good Heidi." He still wasn't crying. I looked up and Joe and asked him to tell me what was going on. He said "I can see him, but not really well. There are alot of nurses and doctors around him but I can see his chest going up and down." Several minutes passed and they told me "Okay mom, look to the left and you can see him really quick before they take him away". I could see a big clear box and a bunch of tubes. I saw the smallest bit of pink, which was the side of his face. Through my tears though, it was a blurry picture. They wheeled him out and told Joe to follow. They said they would stitch me up and get me to the recovery area where I would wait for an update. I just layed there motionless. What was wrong with my baby? .....

About 30 minutes later my parents came into the recovery area. My dad had a small smile and my mom was in tears. I was very medicated and don't remember much from that moment. I remember my dad asking me how I was feeling and if I needed anything. All I wanted was to know where my baby was. Joe came into the room. He looked sad. My mind went crazy and all I could think was "Please don't tell me my baby died". He said "He is stable, he is in the NICU. He didn't breathe on his own for 6 minutes but he is breathing with a ventilator right now. He is very small." I asked if he would be okay and what was wrong with him. Joe didn't have all the answers. He said "They don't know what is wrong just yet. They are examining him right now. He weighs 4 lbs 7 oz." What a tiny baby. I had never even seen a baby that small in person. My baby was far away from me, fighting for his life and I cant even be there to help him. I turned to Joe and said "He is covered in cords and tubes isn't he?". Joe said with tears in his eyes "Yes, but they are helping him Heidi. Their whole purpose is to help him get better". I couldn't even think anymore. I was so overwhelmed by this unfamiliar territory. I was surrounded by family and all we could do was wait.

Later, they were taking me to get up in my hospital room. While on the way they stopped by to let me see my baby. I couldn't hold him but I could see him closer than I had before. They were in the process of putting a central line into his belly. I reached up and held his tiny hand. My dad gave him a quick blessing and they took me away. The doctor came in to see me. He said they were unsure of what caused this at this point but needed to run more tests. He told me their NICU was not suited for such a large case. He needed a higher level NICU. They were going to transfer him to another hospital. I said "Okay, when do we leave? Where are my things?". He then told me "Mrs. Fling, unfortunately you will remain here for your recovery." Did he really just say that? Did he just tell me they were taking my baby and leaving me here??? My dad told me that he and Joe were going to follow the transfer unit to the next hospital. He was going to North Central Baptist. They brought him by my room while he was in the transfer unit so I could see him before they left. I could hardly see him. I was barely close enough to touch him but they opened the side of his bed and let me feel his small head. He was sooo tiny. He was beautiful. He was there about 5 minutes so we could sign paperwork and then they left. I sat there alone. Joe called me several hours later. They said something happened with his head. Not sure what it was at this point and not sure he would make it. All I could do was wait, in another hospital...alone. I asked Joe to stay the night with me. I couldn't be alone all night.

The next day I had alot of time to think. I thought all day long about what happened the day before. I thought about what my little boy was going through. I thought about how it happened. I thought about how it could have been prevented. Joe's parents flew into town. They didn't want Joe to handle this alone. He was trying so hard to be there for me and for our son. With both of us in 2 different hospitals, it was hard. I was released on Sunday and was very anxious to go see my baby. We left around 1 or 2 in the afternoon and went straight to see him. I was so nervous and scared, yet excited and anxious. Nothing could have prepared me for what I was going to see. I knew what to expect, Joe tried his best to describe everything to prevent surprises. As Joe wheeled me through the NICU we passed by so many babies. My heart was leaping wondering which one was mine. We went to the very back corner of the unit and stopped near a bed with a tiny little baby inside. I stood up to get a better look. My eyes filled with tears. There laid the most beautiful baby. He was so helpless. He was covered in cords and had lots of different things attached to his chest for monitoring. I lost it. I began to cry. The nurse came over and put her arms around me. She said "I know honey. He is doing okay though. He is peaceful and he is not in any pain." I asked if I could touch him. She opened up the side of his bed. I put my hand though one of the openings and held his tiny hand. He was warm and soft. I watched his chest move up and down and I kept praying it didn't stop moving. He was not hooked up to the ventilator anymore. I was spared seeing him with such a terrible looking device strapped to his face. He had a small tube taped to his face that went into his nose. This was his feeding tube. He was wearing nothing but a diaper. I talked to him. I told him I was here and that I would do my best to protect him. I was told he was to fragile to be held right now. That broke my heart. I had been separated from him for 2 days. I needed to hold him, cradle him and show him what love was. The doctor wanted to meet with us. We went to her small office where she did her best to tell us what was going on with him. She said he had a brain hemorrhage. They were not sure of the magnitude just yet. They told me he was having seizures due to the blood on his brain. More testing had been ordered and it would be about 3-4 weeks before he could go home. I left that night so sad. My baby was going through this traumatic experience and I couldn't help but feel guilty. Why my baby?

They next day we had a meeting with the Neonatologist. He is the doctor treating little Joseph. He explained to us the best he could what to expect. He told me he was stable and not in critical condition anymore. Everyday would be a battle, but he was not in fear of dying. This was such good news. I couldn't bare the thought of losing him now. The doctor told me they still had no idea what happened to cause the brain hemorrhage. As soon as they knew...I would be informed. He then told me "I feel that it is very important that you bond with your baby. I feel that he needs you just as much as you need him. I have written an order for you to hold him anytime you like. Starting tonight." THANK YOU HEAVENLY FATHER!!! I was finally able to hold him in my arms. Joe and I walked back and I waited anxiously as they were wrapping him in a blanket and securing all his cords. Finally, he was in my arms. He was so small. He felt perfect. I was complete at that moment. I could have held him all night if they would have let me. Joe took his turn next. It was nice to see him bonding with his son. We both needed that so badly. We finally felt like his parents instead of observers. And then started the long period of the NICU days.

But that....is another story.

First Blog Ever...

Hi...to whoever is able to read this. I have decided to start and online blog for myself. I am on the internet a little more frequently than I should be and this seems to be a good way to communicate my feelings. Im going to attempt this.

At the moment my biggest life event is my newborn son. He is still in the NICU. Its been 2 months. He has a huge trial going on in his life right now. He was born 4 weeks early with a brain hemmhorrage. I cant even imagine the things he has endured. My first official blogging post will be about my labor and delivery experience. I guess this blog is mainly my outlet to express my feelings as we all try to cope with this each day. As for now...my other 2 children require a nap and if you have children you know how impossible it is to do anything with little ones running loose. :) Until next time.....