Grateful....

I was catching up on reading all of my friends and Families blog postings from the last few days and I came across one that changed me. My friend Heather always seems to find things accidentally that hold so much meaning for me. More than I let on sometimes. She came across a family blog, not quite sure how she did but it doesn't matter. It was a blog of a Mormon family who recently lost their only child, their 2 year old little girl. Their story is tragic, not one anyone can fully relate to unless you have been in their shoes before. Their story touched me. They lost their little girl due to her choking on a piece of apple, the size of a pea. I cant even begin to imagine the anguish this poor mother feels. Yet, I feel I can slightly comprehend the pain you feel for your child when you cant help them, and when their fate lye's in God's hands. Of course you all know I am referring to my experience with Joseph. Their little girl was taken from them way to early. Now they have to deal with what will seem like eternity, here on earth, without her, waiting to be reunited again. I still have my Joseph. He has had a very very rough beginning, but we still have him here with us. I was reminded tonight after learning of this family, that I would gladly take this trial compared to what could have been. I know that hospital feeling. Sitting by your child's bedside, praying....no...begging God to spare your child. To some how miraculously fix him and grant him a normal life. I know that feeling of complete helplessness, despair and defeat. I think back to the day I was told he might not make it. I remember feeling that emptiness. I remember crying on my dad's shoulder telling him "I can not bury my baby." At that point I had not yet held him. I needed desperately to cradle him and make sure he knew me. If he were going to leave, I needed him to take back with him a memory of his mother. I needed him to know me. And I needed to know him. I cant imagine not getting that chance. I also cant imagine the final goodbye. Holding someone for the last time. I can still hold my baby. I can see him grow, touch him and love him physically. My heart goes out to all those mothers who do not have that chance. I only hope they gain the knowledge that they will see them again. I am reminded tonight to not be selfish for wanting my son to be 100% healed...but to be grateful for the chance to hold him tonight, tomorrow and eventually forever.

I'm sorry this post seems like a downer. I am feeling overwhelmed but at peace. For those of you who would like to read the Jackson family blog, here it is http://jacksonparkcity.blogspot.com/. Just as my friend Heather warned, I will do the same. It is very emotional...be prepared to release that emotion.