Heartache....

Its late. I can't sleep. My little one is fast asleep in a peaceful slumber...all 3 of them as a matter of fact. I walked into my little girls' room and tucked them in for the night. They always kick their covers off in their sleep. I always seem to sleep better when I know that they are warm, safe and content. I just starred at them. My gosh they are gorgeous. The two most beautiful creations on this earth. Such sweet little girls. So full of life. Such a passion for excitement and fun. Words cant even come close to expressing how much love I have for my children. I only want what is best for them. I never want them to hurt, feel sad or scared. I want to protect them from this world we live in. Yet I want them to experience life. I want them to grow up and express their individuality. I want them to become amazing adults. Then my thoughts always turn to little Joseph. An amazing little spirit. So strong, vibrant and special. HE IS SOMEONE GREAT. But why...why must he have to endure such hardship so early? I want to take it from him. I begged God today to let me have it...to put his pain and suffering on me. I wanted his little head to be healed so badly. I prayed and it didn't happen. I'm not mad at God. I know that Joseph was his son before he was mine. He doesn't want to see him suffer. And I know he is protecting him from our fallen brother. Still though, knowing all that does not make it any easier to see my precious baby boy endure so much in such a short time. How much can a little baby weighing less than 9 lbs take? But my gosh he is a fighter. He is amazing. His sisters love him so much. Hailey loves to take care of him. She has so much concern for him. Always wants him to be happy. Megan just wants to protect him. She loves to hold him and sing him songs. And he loves them in return. He just stares into their faces listening so intently. Heavenly Father has blessed me with 3 beautiful children. All 3 their own person. I thank him so much for that. I need him to hear my prayers...I am slowly cracking. I'm a compassionate mother. I can only handle seeing my children in pain so much before I lose it. And I'm losing it. I find myself holding Joseph and crying into his tiny chest. I have apologized to him for not making it better...not having the power to change it. I try my best to explain that there is a reason for it all. He is so sweet, he just looks into my eyes almost as if he knows why. He is loved by many. I just need a break from the bad. Anyway...this post is a late one. My heart is very heavy right now. I just want to cuddle my baby to sleep...and that's exactly what I intend to do.